Lap Dances? No, not the Lap Dances!


The Kansas house recently voted on a bill aimed at sexually oriented businesses. It takes traditional conservative moves against them. The bill would restrict where they could be located and when they could be open for business. Sex toys, like alcohol, are apparently more dangerous when bought late at night. This is not unusual. Conservatives don’t like what these businesses do and so they try to prohibit them from doing it. I wouldn’t get so upset about this but there is another part of the bill that is far scarier. They are trying to institute fantasy world upon us. They have launched a war against a human tradition. Missiles of moral regulation are raining down upon us in an attempt to implement an “Ozzy and Harriet” version of reality. In other words. . . they want to outlaw the lap dance.

I’m not kidding. The bill would require performers in strip clubs to stay six feet away from patrons. They also couldn’t be nude. So they want to take away the “strip” in strip club. That would be one thing but six feet. This raises a couple of questions. Why is government paying any attention to the distance I am from a naked woman, and how am I supposed to tip her? The lap dance is as American as apple pie, except that you put apple pie on your kitchen table. The government supports dance. Dance is an art form. Is it less of one if in the course of dancing you remove your clothing? I’m sure it would be fine if you were married to the stripper. It’s like saying having sex with you fiancée on the night before your wedding is wrong, but having sex with your spouse the day of your wedding is great. What? The government sanctioned ability to file a joint tax return really changed the game for you?

These people are making a choice. Why shouldn’t it be their choice to dance nude close to a someone. Why shouldn’t it  be okay for them to give you some money because they enjoyed it. I go to a restaurant and I tip the server because I enjoyed the meal. The server didn’t even make the meal! They just brought it to me. These days your server rarely even does that. They have some schmuck who brings it for them. At least a stripper is earning the money.

Another good question is what good does six feet do? I can answer that. It keeps you from committing adultery. If I go into I strip club and a woman dances literally on my lap, I’m probably having thoughts that are akin to cheating on my wife. Luckily, I’m not married, but you might be screwed. That is the real reason behind this bill. Conservatives don’t like these businesses. They think they are immoral. They think we are immoral for having supported them. The modern conservative movement is constantly trying to reduce the size of government. They want the government to stay out of our personal lives. Unless, our personal lives are lives of “sin.” That’s why the government should not tell us how to live our personal lives, unless you’re a homosexual. Homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed to get married, or engage in sexual relations with each other. The government better step in! Government should stay out of our healthcare. Unless you’re a woman seeking an abortion. Abortion is wrong. The government better step in!  Government needs to respect the Constitution. Unless you’re a Muslim. You might be a terrorist. Government better step in!  Conservatives have recently rallied that the government needs to leave citizens and businesses alone. Republican’s in Washington are holding hearings about reducing government regulation on business. Meanwhile, Republicans in Kansas are trying to make government so small that it fits inside the local strip club. Six feet away from the dancers, of course.

The hypocrisy is just hard to bear. The sponsor of this law said he was protecting “traditional family values.” Really? When was the last time you saw a family in a strip club. This law implies that people who go there are bad family members. It implies they can’t be role models. It implies that the American family is weakened because somebody saw someone else naked. It reinforces the Republican notion that sex is fine as long as no one talks about it, sees it, or hears it. I’d say they were like those monkeys, but I don’t want to talk about evolution.

If you want small government, fine. Let’s have an honest discussion, but until small government means small in any sector we won’t get anywhere. In the meantime, leave lap dances alone. If you need a reason, “Do it for the children.” A future without lap dances is really no future at all.

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