A Diversion From the Serious. . . Perhaps To The Absurd


The debt ceiling debate is driving me out of my mind. I could go on and on about economic theory, deficit reduction, and so on. However, I will not, because if I start I won’t be able to stop. So instead I would like to move on to a very not serious topic.

I’ve begun to write a book. If you read my blog you would probably think it’s about politics or society. It is most certainly not. It’s about men and women.

To be more specific, I’ve spent most of the last ten years working in female dominated professions. I worked in elementary schools, and for a university child care certain. In those environments I learned a considerable amount about women that I didn’t want to know. Most importantly, I learned that men don’t understand women. Think about it. If you’re a man you’ve said, “That woman is freakin’ crazy!”

Men think women are crazy. From their obession about shoes, reality TV, or the female ability to ask a question that has multiple answers all of which are wrong, we don’t get it. So I’m writing a book that tries to help men with this problem.  The chapters are different “mental illnesses.” For instance Marcos’ Syndrome (obsession over shoes), Volatile Hair Pigment Disorder (women who constantly dye their hair), and so forth. I’m putting an example here for critique. I want to know if men can relate to it, and find it funny. The point of the book is to give men something to laugh about so we can go about loving the crazy women in our lives. Let me know what you think:

“Shopping Fixation Disorder

Overview

Shopping Fixation Disorder is a condition very unique to women in which they wish to browse among purchasable goods with no apparent desire to buy any. This is not to say that they will not buy. Purchase of a particular item is just not the primary reason for browsing. There is a controversy in the scientific community as some believe shopping is not a disorder but a natural evolutionary progression. 

History

 Shopping Fixation Disorder was first categorized in the 1920’s. The booming economy provided a large amount of money in the hands of the American public. A larger number of women than ever before had a discretionary budget. With that budget came the desire to obtain clothes, shoes, and other items. The disorder declined as would be expected by the Great Depression. Women as well as men could not spend time or money in such as way because they simply did not have it. But as World War II came to a close, and American suburbia grew so did the apparent rate of Shopping Fixation. The booming middle class grew as did the disorder. For the first time researched showed that even women with lower incomes were afflicted. The great abundance of credit from various sources made purchasing more viable, and so while women were not necessarily shopping to buy, they would shop more often because, if necessary, buying was possible. Today, Shopping Fixation is estimated to afflict 90-95% of the population of females in the United States.

 Controversy

 The controversy over Shopping Fixation centers around the question of whether it is actually a disorder at all. The Anti-Disorder movement suggests that shopping is merely an evolutionary progression of women’s previous roles in society. In early human culture, men and women had very different gender roles. Humans were organized into hunter-gatherer cultures. Men generally acted as hunters and women as gatherers.

The gatherer role involves foraging. Women would go out scouring nature for nuts, berries and other edible plants. This role leads to a large amount of looking without necessarily finding anything. As agriculture and the domestication of animals became the main source of food for humans, foraging took a back seat. Women were more set to the role of child-rearing, and home keeping. The Anti-Disorder movement says that shopping is merely the result of this. Women are just satisfying their natural instinct to forage by looking through various goods available at shops in their area. This argument is ongoing. Evidence to support the cause of Shopping Fixation is scarce. The reality of it’s existence is indisputable, however.

Living with Shopping Fixation

 Living with a woman afflicted with Shopping Fixation presents interesting problems. Often, early in a relationship the man is expected to participate in the shopping process. This poses a large problem for men who generally go to a retail store with a particular purchase in mind. It is important that as a man you assert your right not to participate. Bear in mind that you will lose that argument, but that will play to your advantage. For that reason, it is important that you actually participate in certain situations. Women genuinely want a man’s opinion on some things you will find mind-numbingly boring and irrelevant. It will also be frustrating that she will likely not listen to your opinion. Mostly, you are being used to affirm the woman’s belief that you are wrong. It is still important that you participate. You must show that you are no help at all. Over time, as you repeatedly make the wrong choices, the woman in your life will increasingly believe that you are not smart enough to prove useful. The more she believes this, the less you will be asked to be a part of it. While much work is required in the beginning, the long-term payoff is much greater.

 You may remember that she has other friends. In this situation they are your best allies. If you prove useless, she will increasingly shop with her other friends. They will provide an opinion she takes much more seriously. Also, as each girl in the group tells the story of the useless man in her life, it will reaffirm the group’s belief that men are useless in this endeavor. The upshot of all this is that you are not needed and the woman is not around. This does not interfere with your desire to watch sports all weekend. That is a true win-win.”

This is just a rough draft, but I be very interested in any feedback. Please bear in mind that it’s a joke. I don’t want to piss off the feminists, who think I truly believe all women are mentally ill. Again, it’s a joke. Thanks!

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4 responses to “A Diversion From the Serious. . . Perhaps To The Absurd

  1. This is a very insightful post and where men are quiet on women are social and comparing mates weak points (the strong points speak for themselves) and foibles for commiseration’s sake within their peer group (girl talk).
    to focus on the source of the conflict on the debt ceiling and the purpose of “starving the beast’ and a return to a “state of nature,” I suggest: machimon.wordpress.com/2011/07/11/norquist-the-gops-grey-eminence/

  2. Freedom, by the way

    I think you’re on to something here! I thought it was quite humorous (and I’m a woman who likes to shop–without my husband!!) You may wish to add a paragraph about the women who “sneak” their purchases inside the house. Often, it’s not because of the money spent,. I rarely bring in ALL my bags following a shopping spree. I wait until late at night or early in the morning, sneak out to my car and hide the bags in my closet. I think I started it years ago when we were young and money was tight. Now, it’s just a habit–almost a game I play with myself.

    TIP: If you want to hear from writers about your book, tag your posts “writing” (you’ll get picked up on tag surfing under writing) and seek out other writers’ blogs. (I’m betting there are more writers’ blogs than any other–which makes sense)

    • Thanks for the tag tip. I hadn’t thought of that. I also appreciate the paragraph idea. I think I’ve got something going but I fell like I need to flesh it out more.

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